What I’m Looking For

Have you ever heard a song that affects you so strong, is so forceful, that you can’t help getting tears in your eyes every single time it comes on the radio, TV, or iThing?

Maybe one certain tune gives you cold chills, or one verse just feels overwhelming?

For me that happens. A lot. And I adore it!

SHOW ME WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR by Carolina Liar does that to me when I hear it. It’s just that powerful – the great beat, the intense vocals, and a message that really hits home:

Wait, I’m wrong.  Should have done better than this.  Please, I’ll be strong.  I’m finding it hard to resist.  So show me what I’m looking for.

Save me, I’m lost.  Oh, Lord, I’ve been waiting for You.  I’ll pay any cost.  Save me from being confused.  Show me what I’m looking for…Oh, Lord.

Don’t let go.  I’ve wanted this far too long.  Mistakes become regrets.  I’ve learned to love abuse.  Please show me what I’m looking for.

Save me, I’m lost.  Oh, Lord, I’ve been waiting for You.  I’ll pay any cost.  Just save me from being confused.  Show me what I’m looking for…Oh, Lord.

Wait, I’m wrong.  I can’t do better than this…show me what I’m looking for…Oh, Lord.

I’m afflicted with an inherited trait I call “That Lawson Wanderlust.”  MawMaw’s side of my family is infamous, even notorious, for having great vision, unflagging hope, and a deep desire to always seek out more. Yes, I realize those are positive characteristics, and I really am tremendously proud of my heritage. But, of course, there’s that saying that too much of a good thing is bad.

In my case, That Lawson Wanderlust rears it’s ugly head when I try to figure out what it is I’m looking for. What do I want to be doing with my days?  With my life?  What is my role? My purpose?  My favorite things to be are a wife and a mom.  Those two jobs are certainly more than I could’ve dreamed for, and (most of the time) I am perfectly content wearing those two beautiful hats. It’s just every once in a while that I start to question if my contribution is really enough. I have two college degrees and two professional licenses that I don’t use and an entrepreneurial yearning that gets me wondering, Am I doing what I am meant to do?

It’s especially bad when I hear about the math struggles through which so many students suffer. I’m not being boastful when I say that I’m a good math teacher. Really good. I’m truly awful at many other things, but connecting with kids through numbers, theorems, and algorithms is just a gift I was blessed to receive. So, am I selfish to set that ability aside to stay home all day, watching Jag, playing PTA, trying out Pinterest recipes, selecting more and more volunteer shifts, chairing just one additional committee, and completely loving my freedom?  I just don’t know.

I get so much satisfaction from my family, my friends, and my volunteer work that it’s easy to say, “THIS is the life!!”  And yet, I seem to continuously have new ideas for new businesses and new projects…which leads to dreaming and asking, What if?? Then “That Lawson Wanderlust” wreaks havoc in my head: I love my life, but am I supposed to be doing more?  Shouldn’t I be doing more? Please, show me the answers I’m looking for…

Yet here I am.  Still asking the same old question, pleading the same old plea:  Oh, Lord, just show me what I’m looking for…

Still no answers come, so I guess, at least until I get it figured out, I’ll just keep loving that song…