Mental health is quite a buzzword these days. And rightly so! Taking care of ourselves – mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually – should be at the top of our To Do list.
Period. That last sentence doesn’t need any qualifiers, descriptors, nor added details.
But our To Do lists get long; they start to feel overwhelming. That’s when the chaos takes over and I start to struggle, feeling so far behind on “everything” that there is no reason to work on anything.
Sadly, that’s where I’ve been the past 6 weeks.
On Saturday, June 12th, I hosted an 8-hour Zoom party for Quilt 2 End ALZ‘s annual event to raise funds for the Alzheimer’s Association and to participate in The Longest Day.
It was a wonderful day! Eight hours is a long time to be online, yet our virtual sew-in was fabulous. I ended the day feeling an incredible sense of community. It was a great step in our mission to connect quilters with the fight to end Alzheimer’s disease.
On Sunday, June 13th, Coach hosted a football camp for high school athletes, so I spent all afternoon and evening helping with registration, watching camp, and then meeting potential new players and their families. Another awesome day – I love being an extended part of our football program! Being a coach’s wife is not always easy, but without a doubt I would not want to be anything else.
On Monday, June 14th, I was tired.
I’d been going, going, going for weeks…getting the TLD event ready, finishing the manuscript for my first book, working on my next yoga certification, running to this, and hustling to that.
My normal morning routine is to hop on the Peloton for a cycle class, then do a light arm workout and a few minutes of core, and finally a yoga flow to stretch. Next, I shower, get dressed, and start a load of laundry. Once all that is done, I grab my computer, a big glass of ice water, and the dogs and I head to the back patio to work.
But I just couldn’t get started that day, so I skipped my workout. Then I skipped my shower. And finally, I skipped my treasured outdoor time which meant I never even opened the laptop.
I don’t know what I did that day. Nor the next.
Turned out that entire week was a bust. I didn’t get a single thing done.
So now we are to June 21st, and I can’t believe that I don’t have the thank you’s sent from the TLD event, and I don’t have the door prizes ready to ship. On top of that, I don’t have the quilt finished that I started at the event, I don’t have the TLD pattern ready to launch in the online store, I don’t have the next block done for my block of the month blog commitment, and I don’t have the 7 quilts started that I promised to do for other people.
All of a sudden, I really didn’t want to quilt. I didn’t want to work on my yoga course. I didn’t want to tackle paperwork. I didn’t want to look at my myriad of unfinished projects. I couldn’t face my To Do list and all the things that I was behind on doing.
So that week transformed into the next, and still I did nothing.
Then I got a reprieve…I left to go to Texas for two weeks.
But the guilt of all I wasn’t getting accomplished was a heavy burden. Literally – I carried a whole suitcase of fabric, blocks, and need-to-be-done quilt projects as well as a sewing machine, my laptop, and an extra-large tote bag of paperwork, bills, and course work that I had to get done.
I felt tremendously weighted down both physically and figuratively. And that’s a terrible feeling.
At this point, you will not be the least bit surprised to read that I got almost none of that stuff done while I was gone.
I did play Canasta and 42 with my family, enjoy the July 4th weekend, and read several good books, telling myself all the while that I would get everything done just as soon as I was back home.
Which gets us up to last week, Monday, July 12th…the day I opened my email to find 4,357 new emails that I had conveniently ignored over the past month.
I closed the computer and picked up another book, my avoidance technique still guiding my life.
Now, it is Wednesday, July 21st.
I have effectively wasted 6 weeks of life simply because I could not discipline myself enough to get $#!^ done. I’m embarrassed to reach out to my quilt community whom I have let down in big ways. I’m frustrated that I am behind on every idea and project that I wanted to do this summer, and I am still fighting the urge to crawl in bed and find a Netflix series to occupy my time for another few days.
I can always tell when Coach needs what I call a “mental health moment.” It’s when he needs a haircut. If he hasn’t found 20 minutes to run and get a haircut in the past month or two, I know that he is working ’round the clock, his sleep is suffering, he’s probably not eating, and he’s just about out of fuel. He’s not keeping himself on his To Do list.
And I think that is what I did. Over the last six weeks, I let myself feel so much guilt over that damned To Do list that I took myself – my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health – right off of it.
I told myself that taking a break – a mental health moment – was a form of failure. I told myself that not having the projects and the laundry and the housecleaning and the quilts and the book and the yoga class and the shopping and the cooking all done to perfection was another failure. I told myself that I am a failure.
But I’m not.
Today, I hopped on the Peloton for a cycle class, did an arm workout followed by some core work and a stretch. Then I showered and dressed. After that I ran a few errands and even indulged in a manicure and pedicure at the nail salon preparing for a fun staff event this weekend.
I sent the rest of the TLD door prizes, I answered several work emails, and as I type I am writing to mend my mind…to fix the funk I’ve been feeling.
Tonight, Coach is taking me out to a nice dinner.
And tomorrow, I will enjoy my workout (yoga with my football boys), run home to shower and dress, and then get on with my day.
I’ll be okay. I am okay. In fact, I’m better than okay – I’m fantastic.
I’m still behind on everything. I still have an out-of-control, completely ridiculous To Do list.
But, I’m back at the top of it.
I hope you’re at the top of your’s as well!
With love and hugs,
Ashli
PS: I worried about sharing these thoughts. I can hear my audience saying, “Yeah, poor, poor Ashli, living the easy life, “working” from home…we should feel real sorry for her!” But the reality is, regardless of our circumstances, we all get into ruts, we all struggle from time to time. I am a big believer that we choose how we want to approach life, how we will tackle the day. Just as it is my job to make myself happy, it is also my job to take care of myself. No one else is responsible for that. Only me. Therefore, it is also my duty – to myself – to refocus when needed. Right now I am refocusing on feeling, doing, and being “better” than I was yesterday. Thanks for being a shoulder to lean on 💛
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