Friendship, Hesed, and Understanding

I didn’t plan on writing this blog post; I’m really shooting from the hip this morning. But I’m also sitting here in tears and love and understanding, and I feel convicted to share my thoughts, so here they are…

People say that “God works in mysterious ways.”

I actually believe He works in very bold ways.

Yesterday we had team yoga with Momma Monty (that’s me).

Thinking through our practice for this week, deciding what we would do and flipping through playlists and class flows that I have put together over the years, I felt pulled to the very first class I ever created.

It was the fall of 2015, I was going through yoga teacher training to earn my 200-hour yoga certification. I wanted the class to be engaging and fun within the template I was given to build it. That template begins with a theme, focuses on an intention for practice, includes a music playlist, and serves as a playbook for the asana – the flow of breath and movement – we use for that class.

The day I sat down to begin this choreography, “You’ve Got a Friend in Me,” the Toy Story song we all know and love by Randy Newman, was stuck on repeat in my head.

I figured, “Why not?”

I wrote down “Friend” for my theme, not exactly sure where I was headed with it, but ready to build my very first YWMM playlist off this one classic.

Years later, I can tell you that I still adore this class – the theme, the flow, the music, the whole experience of it. And although we haven’t used that class for TU Football in a few years, yesterday it was on my heart to revisit it.

And then – less than 24 hours later – Sunday church services began.

We are still tuning in online, limiting our interactions and possible exposures to Corona Virus since the football season has begun and it would be devastating for Coach to be put into isolation for two full weeks while practices and games are underway.

When our pastor, Mitch, started speaking on our TV, I knew God had more for me to hear about friendship!

He (Mitch, and I truly believe the Lord through him) shared scriptures that I used just yesterday in the mindful portion of our yoga class. Then he spoke to the importance of friends and friendships, making points that I just made.

I was thinking how weird/strange/cool that what I was doing yesterday and what Mitch is sharing today is sooooo spot-on, in-tune, and well-coordinated. It was uncanny!

Or was it?

I recorded yesterday’s yoga session with my football boys. I am working towards the next level of yoga teacher training – the 500-hour designation – which requires many hours of teaching that must be submitted digitally, so I will post the full class here on my website as well as on my YouTube channel. That will provide an opportunity for you to hear all that I said and even practice with us.

For now, I’ll just let you know that I spoke about how the impact and importance of true friendship cannot be overvalued.

Mitch titled his sermon, “7 Things Friendship Calls For,” and he read from 1 Samuel chapters 18, 19, and 20 throughout the lesson. Here are the seven points he made:

1. Friendship calls for cultivation.
2. Friendship calls for commitment.
3. Friendship calls for collaboration.
4. Friendship calls for communication.
5. Friendship calls for creativity.
6. Friendship calls for confirmation.
7. Friendship calls for Christ.

I took notes!

I agree with them all.

But it was #7 that put me in tears…

Fall 1995

I’ve only known Philip since April 21st.

Our wedding is set for December 21st.

He’s asked me to move to east Texas with him so he can begin his coaching career, and I have. He’s asked me to set up our house and make it a home to begin our life together, and I have. He’s asked me to plan a wedding to celebrate our love and officially begin our marriage, and I have.

But on the eve of my driving back to my hometown for my bridal shower, he still has not actually asked me to be his wife. He has not proposed, not said those four crucial words, “Will you marry me?”

I am distraught, I can’t understand why he has not asked me. I mean, let’s be honest, he knows my answer. At this point I’m a sure thing. I’ve made my commitment, ceremony or not. I absolutely cannot picture my life without him.

Crying on the couch, Philip kneels in front of me, pleading with me to tell him what is wrong.

In broken, hiccuping words I say, “You don’t want to marry me.”

“Of course, I do,” he replies much more reasonably. “Why would you say something like that?”

“Because you’ve never asked.” I boo-hoo at him.

He is silent. He does not deny it.

He knows that it is true.

And now I know that he has made a conscience decision to not propose.

I cry harder.

He sits for what seems like a very long time. I feel nauseous, and it is getting more difficult to breath around the buckets of snot and tears I am producing.

Finally, he says that he just needs to know that I am good with God.

What?

Now, please remember that I did not grow up “in the church.” I have a Baptist mom and a Jewish dad, Both are amazing, accepting, kind, giving, really good, servant-hearted people who taught me to be the same. And while I enjoyed going to church with family and friends through the years, had fun participating in youth activities, and even performed in several music and choir programs, we were not regulars. I was not a member of a church, and I was not baptized.

On the other hand, Philip grew up the son of a very conservative Church of Christ preacher. He likes to joke that not only was he at church every time the doors were open, but he and his brothers and sister were the ones unlocking those doors, mowing the lawns, and vacuuming the buildings after everyone else left. Please also remember that all jokes are rooted in reality.

We come from very different backgrounds.

But I’m not concerned with the past; I am worried about our future.

“So, you don’t want to marry me anymore because my family doesn’t go to church as much as your’s does?” I ask with tears still streaming down my face, but now feeling a bit incredulous.

“No, it’s not that. I just need to know how you feel about God before we promise to spend the rest of our lives together.”

September 13, 2020

I can’t remember all that I answered that night, but I guess it was what he needed to hear because here we are 25 years later, living our modern-day fairy tale with the strongest marriage I’ve ever seen, one that I could not have imagined nor dreamed for us to build our world upon.

And now I finally get it.

It’s taken me 2 and half decades and one incredible minister putting into words what God wanted me to hear all along:

Ecclesiastes 4:12

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Mitch explained that God must be the third strand.

I thank Him (God) that both He and Philip have been so patient and kind while waiting for me to catch up, to get it.

I thought Philip was stalling to propose; I felt judged and found lacking. Again.

It was breaking my heart a mere 6 weeks before our wedding.

I was very, very hurt.

We got through that moment. I tucked away that pain.

And yet, obviously, I’ve held on to a sliver of that agony all these years because I find myself once again sitting on our couch in tears.

But this time they are tears of understanding.

Now I know.

It’s me and Coach and God.

Together we are bound with a powerful, unconditional love that Mitch called “Hesed.” It is a love that only I am uniquely positioned to give to my other two strands, and likewise, they to me.

Finally, my anguish is gone.

I have a light, joyful peace where once there was a deep, heavy ache.

Philip was right: together our three strands can never be broken.

With love and hugs,

Ashli