How many friends do you have?

Side note:

I debated long and hard on whether or not to publicly post these thoughts. I am a big believer in using my website, my blog, and my social media accounts to spew positivity. I pray every day that God will use me as a light of optimism, support, and spirit everywhere and in each moment.

I decided that while some will see this post as counterintuitive to that prayer, sometimes a dose of 100% open honesty is called for.

And who knows, perhaps it could help even one person process their own hurt feelings of exclusion.

So, here it is…

Ashli’s NOT perfect world.

I’ve never been the cool kid. Certainly not the life of the party. In fact, when at a gathering, I’m much more likely to be found cleaning and tidying than participating in the revelry. I’m not one who people naturally gravitate towards, and I’m not the one people are desperate to spend time with.

According to Facebook, I have 2,136 friends. Instagram thinks I have 1,093 friends. And yet, today I catch myself asking, “Ashli, how many friends do you have?”

In today’s world, social media tells us – as illustrated by those numbers above – that we have a great number of friends made up of peers, coworkers, relatives, neighbors, teammates, fans, and followers. Social media also tells us that we are not worthy nor valuable nor important by all the things our “friends” are doing that we are not. At once we are shown how many wonderful people are in our sphere of influence and also how insignificant we are within that circle.

My daughter and I have had many conversations about this over the years.

She and my son attended a very exclusive high school. It is unparalleled academically. It is a small community so there is a closeness and tight-knit feel to it that one doesn’t see in a big-school setting. Everyone is very nice, kind and smiling, respectful, polite, and welcoming. Both of my kids met wonderful people and found success in those halls; they’ve both said on multiple occasions that they are glad they graduated from there. They are stronger for the experiences lived there.

At the same time, they – particularly, my daughter – learned that “exclusive” is the opposite of inclusive. Many, many times we’ve discussed how excluding others does not make one a bad or mean person. We all have “friends” who are sweet and friendly and fun to be around but also make us feel left out, too “this” or not enough “that” to be part of their group. Again, they are fabulous people – we just don’t rate on their scale.

And that is okay!

The keyword in the definition of friendship is MUTUAL.

Friendship is a two-way street.

If I say Suzy Q is my best friend, but Suzy Q says that Sally Jane is her best friend, then Suzy Q is not actually my best friend.

Friendship is a relationship of sharing. If I share my life and hopes and fears with Suzy Q, but she saves those same elements of herself for Sally Jane, then from Suzy Q’s perspective, I am an acquaintance, not a friend.

And that is okay!

We can – and should! – embrace our acquaintances. We can support them and encourage them, check on them and be there for them. We should do all those things.

But we should not be surprised nor hurt when we are reminded that they are indeed acquaintances, not friends.

Because friends do more than skim through the surface of one another’s lives. They know what is going on in each other’s lives. They share burdens and dreams and achievements and short-comings. They not only laugh together, they cry together. They listen as much as they speak. They give as much as they receive, and they love in balance.

Remember, friendship is a two-way street.

I have a friend in Jesus; I know where I stand with Him, how He feels about me, that He will always include me.

I have a friend in my husband; I know that what I feel for him mirrors what he feels for me.

I have friends in my kids, my parents, my siblings, and my extended family; I know without hesitation where I rank in their lives.

I have a friend – as in one – who truly shares her life with me, and I share mine with her.

Beyond that, I realize I don’t know much of what goes on in my “friends” lives. I’m not part of their daily walk. I don’t know what challenges they are facing nor what triumphs they are celebrating.

For decades I have beat myself up for not being a good friend, for not checking on my friends regularly enough, not being there enough, and simply not doing enough to prove my friendship and devotion.

After 46 years and more tears than I am comfortable admitting, I realize, I am not a bad friend.

Instead, to that large, wonderful, fabulous group of people, I am a fond acquaintance.

And that is okay!

Thank you for letting me share these thoughts. Writing truly is like therapy for me, and I feel so much lighter for releasing these worries.

Whether family, friend, or acquaintance, you are special to me.

I love without a guarantee of return, and I am always, always here for you!

With love and hugs,

Ashli