It’s no secret that I was a complete mess when our youngest went off to college last August. After spending 21 years “momming” 24/7, I felt unnecessary and unneeded with both kids and Coach at TU everyday. Coach was at the stadium working his usual 60-70 hours per week. SonShine was in his own apartment on campus, and Angel Girl was tucked into her dorm. Where was I? At home. Alone. All day, every day.
I could, with pride and conviction, tell you that all three of them were exactly where they were supposed to be, focused on new chapters, new friends, and new adventures, and that I wanted that for them. I truly did – and DO!
At the same time, I was crying (the ugly, overwhelming, hiccuping type) and feeling worthless in a world in which I no longer had a value to add.
I foresaw this struggle coming even before our daughter finished the fall semester of her senior year in high school. Knowing that essentially overnight many of the activities I’d poured myself into over the years would cease to exist (room mom when they were in elementary school, PTA president three different times for three different schools, team mom for numerous squads, National Charity League volunteer and board member, etc., etc.), I began looking into my future to determine how I would spend my time as an empty nester.
In January of that year, I launched my nonprofit quilting business, Quilt 2 End ALZ, Inc. In May, I signed on for another year of service through the Junior League. I continued sitting on the Oklahoma board of directors for the Alzheimer’s Association. And when the dreaded school year began, I found a new Bible study to attend. But I still felt a huge sense of being unnecessary.
I’d spent two decades filling my days, weeks, months, and years striving to be an engaged, helpful, useful mom. It was exactly how I wanted to spend those years, never once did I put my own goals or activities on hold. I never pushed myself to the back burner. I never wished I was doing something other than being Momma. I incorporated my passions and hobbies into our schedule, I pursued my own interests, all while being mom first. I loved every second of being the primary care giver, the parent on duty, and mom to Cannon and Maci. And while I would be continuing my passions and hobbies just as before, without the kids to focus upon, spend hours supporting at sports, and caring for on a daily basis, there was a tremendous void in my life.
I struggled. In a big, big way.
And then, just a couple of months into her freshman year, my sweet girl had to move back home to recuperate from an intense surgery to reconstruct her ankle. She was non-weight-bearing for two full months which meant she could not navigate the three flights of stairs to her dorm room nor climb up on her dorm bed which was set upon two-foot tall risers. She was stuck on a knee scooter which made getting across campus with only ten minutes between classes near impossible.
She needed me. I was useful again. I hated all that she was going through, and all I wanted to do was help her, to make the challenges of that ordeal less daunting.
And then Christmas break came, and we were all together again – my favorite place to be!
And then January hit, and everyone left again. But I was determined not to fall back into my pit of despair, so I began listening to the free workshops that pop up on one’s Facebook feed to teach one everything they ever wanted to know about every topic under the sun.
I was hoping that any one of them would scream at me, “Ashli, THIS is what you are supposed to be doing with your life!”
They didn’t, and instead, on February 18th, I had total knee-replacement surgery. I could never have understood this experience would be as all-encompassing as it is. I am now 20 weeks post-op, and my Nunee, as I named her, is still a painful, challenging, work-in-progress that definitely derailed my best intentions of being a useful, contributing member of my family, much less of society.
And then COVID-19 hit, and everyone came home. Not only were we all together – my favorite place to be – but they have been focused on being my champions as I continue to regain my strength and rehab my knee. I feel a lot of guilt over the fact that I love quarantining, that this horrible, global event has allowed me to have my family back.
But, I am a person of hope. I have a lot of faith in that hope. For that reason, I know that God will lead us through this pandemic and that my loves belong back on campus.
I know that Coach needs his x’s and o’s, his staff and friends who surround him and support him at work, and more than anything, he needs his players. He has missed those boys more than I can put into words. Missed seeing them, talking with them, mentoring them, coaching them, and watching them grow as young men and students and leaders. He needs to go to work.
I know that while my big-hearted SonShine loves his momma with all his might, he needs his friends. He spent 19 years waiting to find his people, and in college, that finally happened. Albeit goofballs and stinkers at times, he has found amazing, incredible people to call his own. They are funny and brilliant and loyal and caring. They need to be working out together, practicing together, playing games together, going to school together, and “chilling out” when they have downtime together. That is what this chapter of their lives is supposed to look like. He needs to go back to school.
That brings us to my beautiful Angel Girl. Home with Momma is her safe place, her comfort zone. She’d be okay staying here to keep me company indefinitely, but she needs to resume her journey of independence. She needs her sorority, her sisters, her cheer squad and her teammates, her practices, and her volunteer work. She needs to continue sorting through classes and coursework to find her future, discover who she wants to be and what she wants to be doing. She, too, needs to go back to campus.
Well, friends, we’ve come full-circle. Back to me and my uphill battle to find a mission and a vision that makes me feel useful and necessary and needed…
Which I did!
I discovered my North Star.
One of those free, online workshops really spoke to me, so I purchased the full course: The Intentional CEO with productivity guru Tonya Dalton.
Yesterday, I completed the first of six class modules. This set of lessons included some fascinating, in-depth exercises to put into words what guides me, what makes me happy, what I love and want to be doing. The process is pretty darn cool, and the results are a perfect reflection of who I know I am. Best of all, I feel like the process has proven to me that the person revealed is a person I can be proud to be, flaws and insecurities and struggles and all.
So, here it is: my personal mission and vision and my set of core values that connect the two…my North Star.
My Mission Statement:
To feel a sense of value and accomplishment by creating joy, peace, and beauty for Philip, myself, our family, and my community.
My Vision Statement:
I will educate, encourage, and enrich my world by conveying love and sharing my passions and hobbies.
My Core Values:
- LOVE – I believe love is the most necessary component of life, the foundation for everything else.
- HONOR – I believe honor protects truth, loyalty, wisdom, kindness, empathy, and character.
- GRATITUDE – I believe I am more blessed than I could ever deserve, and being thankful brings peace.
- GREATNESS – I believe that greatness is the goal.
- KNOWLEDGE – I believe in lifelong learning which gives us growth and better understanding.
- RESULTS – I believe results are important; I like that they are measurable and visible and lead to new projects, tasks, and relationships.
So, now I have a North Star to guide me. Stay tuned to see where it takes me!
With love and hugs,
Ashli
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope for the future.”
Jeremiah 29:11
